Fighting the Losing Fight

So, I came to this insane realization that being a mom is the equivalent to constantly fighting a losing battle.

•  No matter how much laundry I do, there is always more
• No matter how many meals I make, they are always hungry.
• No matter how many times I discipline, there are always more
• No matter how many noses I wipe, shoes I ties, ouchies I kiss, arguments we get into, groundings I give, outings I go on and grocery shopping I do…. There is always more.
• No matter how much I beat myself up over things that I have done with, to and for my kids, there is always going to be more.

Then there came this epiphany moment last night as I was giving my son trouble for something wrong that he did, and he looked at me sheepishly and said "but mommy, I love you and just want a hug".

• No matter what there are always kisses
• No matter what there are always hugs
• No matter what, there is always that comfort in knowing that what I am doing, I am doing with the best intentions of raising wonderful kids into amazing adults.

Sometimes, being a mom can be the hardest job in the world. We are doctors, chefs, police, judges, chauffeurs, receptionists, personal assistants and counselors. Sometimes I know that it is more than I think I can handle. However, when one of my awesome kids looks at me and says "I love you mom", it all suddenly becomes worth it.

 

 

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
- Lincoln

The future destiny of the child is always the work of the mother
- Napoleon Bonaparte

The time is fast approaching...

I cant believe that it is only 6 weeks till my wedding!!

I feel like I am freaking out because I am not freaking out... if that makes any sense. I am sooo excited! My life is great. I am so in love with my amazing man and very much looking forward to becoming his wife.

Clothes are figured out, food... well, lets just say that I feel very greatful that such an amazing chef is making all the food for my big day, decorations are all figured out with finishing touches being added, almost all of the RSVP's have been returned to me, hotel rooms have been booked, and fittings have been scheduled.

I want to thank everyone who is helping and who is going to help ahead of time for all of the love you have all shown to us. We will be forever greatful!

We are looking foward to celebrating with those we love the most

and having a freaking awesome time doing it!!!

Just livin life

   So I know that my blogging has slowed, but I am realizing that is probably a good thing, considering what the intention of this was to be a place for me to talk out my viewpoints on all those things that drive us to the point of losing it on a daily basis.
   So, while I still succumb to these urges occasionally, I have managed to do a flip around to the "lighter side of the news" I guess you could say.
   For quite a while there, all that would come out of my mind or my mouth seemed to be negative. Almost like a verbal diarrhea of negativity. Now, I seem to be focusing much more on everything that is making me happy on a daily basis, and I have to say that this blog, writing down all that stuff, has made me realize more-so that I am not appreciating what I have. Kind of a "practice what you preach" scenario a little bit. This is something that I am constantly telling people around me. "Look on the bright side though..." and now I seemed to have learned how to take my own advice.

Lets break it down:

WEDDING! So, there is only 58 days till my wedding. I finally got my hair done, and it looks amazing if I must say so myself. Was definitely the talk of the salon for at least that day if not longer. Going from orangy blonde to ashy-golden blond with bright red and black streaks was a real stretch for a salon where 95% of the coloring is all the women wanting to be blonde, lol. Good times. We have almost everything we need for the reception. I went and got the marriage license which made everything much more real. My Amazing Man's mom took him out and got him his suit for the wedding and he is going to look.. well, amazing. My son is set with his tux and now all that is left is my daughter.... dress shopping it is!!

Home life... this one is interesting. I love my home life. I just don't love my home which makes it hard to want to be there at all. Slooooowly working on getting out of there into something we can all be happy with, but that will take time.

Kids... They are both in full-time school now! My son is in all day kindergarten and seems to be loving it. Awesome! The other night I looked at my daughter and said "are you in Gr.5 now??" Geez, that just doesn't seem right! I can't be that old already can I? I still vividly remember grade 5! Wow.  See, I have been worried about my daughter coming home after a long stretch (2 months) of being with her dad. We have a volatile relationship and I think its just because we communicate in different ways. I have a logical thought process where hers are based on emotion. Since she got home, I have been trying my absolute best to understand how she is feeling about things like school, wedding, friends, siblings and such, but when all you get is a crying "I don't know how I feel", then what?!?! Well, we actually had a talk the other night and we both eased up a little I think. It was good and I feel like my daughter is starting her Gr.5 year in a pretty good place emotionally. She's a great kid, a caring person, and a total intellectual. Not only that, but I think she will be amazing at guitar!!

Love life... well, I seem to have found the guy that I need. He is a rock for me and when I think of him all I think is the word "safe". After sooo many years of never feeling that way, its so amazing that just one person can give me that. He is my other half. He is that calm, soft spoken side of me that I never knew existed. He can take me out of any crazy moment with a soft touch on my hand or a simple smile can make my tears dry up. One in a million!

So it looks like my life is slowly turning into all that I always wished it would.

Is it all its cracked up to be?

So, my mom was out here a little while ago and was fabulous enough to take my son to a dr's appointment. Turns out he had an ear infection and was prescribed a very common antibiotic. So after forgetting about it and not really being on schedule with it, we finally got it on track and his ears are clearing up.

Well, yesterday he woke up looking kinda weird. He had a crazy rash all over his body, not itchy, not raised; he wouldn't have even known if I didn't make him shower right when I saw it. So by last night after he had gone to sleep, he woke up at about midnight and looked like death warmed over.

That was it, got dressed, contacts in, shoes on. Got him bundled up and took him to the ER. Here is where it got interesting for me.

I hear all the time how our "free" universal medical system makes for insane wait times and all around bad service.

From walking in the door, registering, going to the triage nurse, getting into a room,

seeing the dr, getting a diagnosis (allergic to the antibiotic amoxicillin),

got a prescription for a different one, got him bundled again and got back in the car

was less than an hour.

I find that when it is something important, it is dealt with as quickly as possible. When it involves children it is dealt with as quickly as possible.

After all the problems that we have been dealing with… my grandma being in the hospital for 2 weeks (with amazing care), being at home, rushed through specialists, blood work, doctors appointments, scans, back in and out of the hospital and now this experience with my son, I have actually gotten more appreciation for our Health Care system.

That’s my rant today

Stress....

So I was left with a thought this long weekend (mine, not everyone else's):

Is stress really such a bad thing??

Our society has become so obsessed with stress and the negative effects it has on people, but seldom are the positive things mentioned. I know that seems more than absurd to most people, but if you really think about it, there are definitely positive benefits of stress.

One, is that is makes people push themselves. Take, for instance, my example: All of a sudden, its no longer 3 months till my wedding, it is MUCH closer to 2 months! Holy stress! No invitations are sent yet! That stress made me push myself, including a quick trip to Abby to get some necessities from Michael's and 2 nights of being up past 1am to finish them, but at least now I am done!

Two, it forces us to take what we deserve. In my case, I need affection, I get stressed when I don't get it. I have learned in this relationship, that while as the "amazing man" told me yesterday "you are my life!", I need for him to say things like that more... maybe I am more of a girl than I thought, lol. All it seems to take is a little nudge from me and he picks up on that. My son is the exact same as his father, so I literally have to tell him to hug me, but it works nicely because he is more than happy to MOST times.

Three, moderate amounts of stress are healthy. A moderate amount would be what you personally can cope with on a day to day basis. I find that if I am not stressed at all going into a situation, I feel completely unprepared, and if I let myself get overstressed, then I just feel nauseous! There is the right amount, that little bit that lets you know as much as you can about the unexpected!

I have definitely been more stressed as of late, what with my grandma being in the hospital, missing my daughter, having to figure out what to do with my wedding dress, and on and on. However, instead of having any negative effects on me, I think it has helped me. I was totally prepared to be going to the hospital everyday, three times a day for months if need be, but grandma is home now, and a lot more comfortable. My little girl will be home in 2 weeks!! YAY! My dress can be fixed! YAY!!! Wedding stuff is all falling together nicely :) 

So, I am actually kinda happy to say that I am slightly stressed. It means I am striving for more, taking what I deserve, and being prepared for whatever is thrown at me.

Dreams.. ya gotta wonder

So I had this crazy dream last night…

All of a sudden it was November 6th, there was no food, we were in the wrong place, I didn't have a dress to wear, the DJ was arriving and the place was locked, nothing was set up, the invites weren't even sent out so half the family wasn’t there, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

Then, magically, everything straightened out. I was wearing a fabulous gown, the amazing man looked… amazing, the kids were wonderfully well behaved, all the family showed up, the JP was there, the food was ready, and everything was perfect.

Then I woke up.

I can't believe how terrifying this actually was! It really did freak the crap out of me! Then I look at the countdown and realize that we have passed the 80 day mark. There are now 79 days until the wedding. I am left with the 4 of us with nothing to wear, but that’s about the only thing that we don't have figured out, so all this stress is a little unfounded.

I NEED TO RELAX!!

Happiness?? Is it attainable??

This weekend, I read this quote,

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"

And it had me wondering… am I ever going to be happy? I seem unable to be able to look past imperfections, whether they are mine, my fiancés, my co-workers, my family's or anyone else that I come across.

I am a self-admitted completely impatient person. I have no patience for stupidity, ignorance or any kind of lacking in anyone. I very often come across with strong opinions, outspoken and with a complete lack of a filter. I am somewhat obnoxious, and like to believe that my opinion is always correct. I have a quick temper. I very often feel like I am being taken advantage of. I cannot comprehend people's lack of caring for others!

On the flip side, I am caring. I truly love those that are important to me and would do anything for them. My family is my life. I take pride in my kids and their accomplishments and feel like there will never be anyone good enough for them. I have a huge heart.

All this has lead me to a quote of my own,

"Being happy doesn’t mean that you look beyond imperfections, it means that you are able to recognize yours and everyone else's and still love yourself and everyone around you for who they are."

So this has me a little Happy

Tired

So life has become a distinct routine

• Wake up

• Go to work

• Go to the hospital at lunch

• Back to work

• Home

• Dinner

• Back to the hospital

• Home

• Do it all again

The issues with my grandma are at a constant fluctuation. One day she is feeling better, the next nothing will stay down. I am emotionally exhausted.

Now my Aunt seems to be very sick as well. We are all at a loss and totally tired.

Quickly though, if any of you are wondering, still don’t know what to do about my wedding dress, have to get the "amazing man" something to wear, as well as the kids. Other than that I think the wedding stuff is basically done.

Life is a little crazy right now, so this will be my last blog for a little while until I have something else to talk about.

For all of you reading, thanks for caring and like I previously stated on my Facebook,

Please anyone who believes in anything, pray for my grandma, and now Aunt

A weekend to remember

So, as most people who know me already know, this weekend was a heck of a rollercoaster!

• 
  
  Grandma was admitted into the hospital
• 
  
  My brothers 30th birthday would have been this weekend had he not passed away in 1998
• 
  
  My cousin got married
• 
  
  My condo flooded
• 
  
  There is only 89 days till my wedding

I am exhausted!!

Last night I was the last to leave my grandma at the hospital. That was hard for me. A few posts ago, I was just thinking about how I need to realize that they are not as old as their age dictates. But now I see her there, lying in that bed, and I am remembering being that little girl having to go say goodbye to my great grandma before she passed away.

I know she is not at that point, its an infection and when they can figure out the cause, they can fix her, but at the same time, I cannot help but feel the same way.

On a brighter note, my legs are killing me! For good reasons. We danced at the reception till about 2am. It was a blast and my cousin looked amazing! Everybody had a great time and her and I even got a little boogy out of my grandpa!

Since Saturday night, we are a little more excited for our wedding. I loved that she did it traditional, it was amazing and very well done. We are a little less traditional and I think people will be a little amazed at what I have planned :)

I have to talk to the strata today about the condo flooding.

So, I am left with this thought:

With all that is going on around me, how am I not totally freaking out?? Then I remember something I was told after my parent split, again after my oma passed, after my brother passed and after every other trying thing that my family has been through;

God only gives us what we can handle

I know that I have not been the most religious person over the years, but there is a lot of hypocracy in organized religion as far as I am concerned, but I was raised with a belief system that still rings true to me. This is just another thing that my family is banding together to handle.

A Day of Days

So this was my day:

I woke up at 7 when the alarm went off and woke up the amazing man to go to work, rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up again and hour and a half later and he was still beside me. Got him up and off to work and called my Grandma who has been sick for a few days.

• Report: still no good, didnt sleep at all. In immense pain and can barely move.
• Great!!! (sarcastic)
• Laid in bed for about 10 minutes and my mom called. Stated that instead of going to Vancouver today to get my wedding dress fixed (refer to previous post), we will be escorting my grandma to the ER
• Great!! (sarcastic)
• Got dressed, quickly.
• Into the car, quickly.
• Empty tank, got gas, quickly.
• Picked up my son from one grandma and dropped him to another.
• Heading to the hospital and get a call that there is water pouring out of my condo into the one below me
• Great!! (sarcastic)
• Sped home, quickly.
• Turned off the water to the toilet, quickly
• Soped up all the water, quickly
• Ran downstairs to see the extent of the damage, not much at all actually
• Great!! serious!! thats great!
• Changed out of my now soaked clothes, quickly
• Sped to the hospital, quickly.
• Sat in the waiting room for a while looking at my grandma who was in obvious amounts of pain
• Definately NOT great. She gets taken in
• Waiting...
• Waiting...
• Wating...
• Tests done yesterday came back, could be liver, redoing tests as they were "inconclusive"
• Great!!! (sarcastic)
• ate some food, quickly
• She was put on an IV and we were kicked out for about an hour so she could rest. Took Grandpa to get some food
• Stressed about my condo
• Back to the emerg
• She is now in the acute care ward, morphene drip and still in mass pain, they still dont know why
• Great!! (sarcastic)
• Get overwhelmed and have to leave. Go to find her flannel PJ's to keep her warm. Hunt and hunt. Can only find soft sweats. Good enough!
• Back to hospital, quickly
• Waiting...
• waiting...
• waiting...
• Leave the room cause she is convulsing with pain
• Take grandpa to his house to get her favorite housecoat (aka- get him away from there for 20 minutes)
• Watch him break down... cry some more myself
• Back to the hospital, quickly
• Great Aunt shows up, visit with Grandma, then she tells us all to leave for a while
• Go to Timmy's, quickly
• Back to the hospital
• Decide I should leave and maybe see my son a little bit
• Leave the hospital and remember that my cousin is trying to set up for her wedding tomorrow.
• Go to G&G's house to get more stuff, hurt my arm, and head to the hall, quickly
• Help for a while, realize how stressed my poor cousin is, and go get my son to play with hers
• Decorate...
• decorate...
• decorate...
• Leave, not quickly at all
• Head to Wendy's for some chili for dinner at 11:00pm
• Now home

Boy do I wish we would have gone to Van!!!