What is my actual reasoning behind this? Bad things happen and I just don't want to know? I like living in a bubble of ignorance? Is it that the older I have gotten, the more scared I have become?
I know that I have definitely become more paranoid as the years have gone by.... maybe more realistic. As a teen, I thought nothing bad would ever happen to me, now I worry about all the bad stuff that could happen to my kids. I have become hyper-aware of all the stupid things I did when I was younger and am afraid that they will do them to without the fortunate outcomes that I had.
I started doing a little research. The way I figure, you will either read about financial turmoil, violence, starvation, or things as simple as our recent headline "Ryder Lake toads on the move" or stupid celebrity infatuation crap like "Mariah Carey shows off post Baby Bod in swimsuit" and Kat Von D blogs about Jesse James Breakup. Is the latter to make it so our minds can be thoughtless and forget about all the horrible crap that happens all over the world? Is it all a way to make our own lives seem better?
I always have the same thoughts when I see those commercials, you know the ones, "for just $1 a day you too can save a life" that if only I had millions of dollars, I would save them all. Then for some reason I feel a small amount of responsibility for those poor little kids whose parents died and the 5 yr old is left trying to feed himself and his 2yr old brother all the while being sick himself.
Its sick really. Why do I feel responsible for kids that I have never met and never will? Why do I shed a tear when I see that commercial and then try to feed my kids who just don't feel like eating that particular meal, all the while thinking of the money wasted and food thrown away that could do so much to help people so much less fortunate than we are.
Recently a friend and I were talking about her recent change of career path. She was going to work with the Ministry of Children and Families deciding when a child is in danger enough to be pulled from their home. I remember telling her a long time ago that I could never do that job. I could never see the files of what had been done to these kids, the neglect they face and still leave them there because its not "quite bad enough" to take them away. I couldn't leave them there with people who may beat them, or neglect them or starve them. No child deserves that. I was raised with the saying "eye for an eye". I figured (if I had the guts) I would have to inflict that on the bad people, I suppose turning me into one of them. Well, after a few years of schooling, and a lot of thinking she realized that she wouldn't be able to stomach that either.
I have been cursed with an over-caring heart I guess. That must be it.... that's why I can't watch the news.
This unfortunately leaves me with a slightly broken heart and a feeling that all I can do is say the same prayer every night when I go to bed. I'll share it with you. I lay down at night, put my head on my pillow, close my eyes and say